This road that we travel...

EEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK......my studentsd are comming on the 20th, and my first day of work is on the 14. Things are really interesting....my portable classroom is an absolute mess. It seriously looks like a tornado went through it. The teacher who used it last year did not clean out everything. Much of her stuff is all over the place..on the floor...the walls...even the ceiling...in her ...MY desk, etc. The curriculum is gradually comming in. I don't have any teacher editions yet. Nor do I know who my students will be. And I can't register for health insurance (has it really been over 2 years since I had it last??) until I get access to my district e mail and such. Me...I love to get things done in advance. Looks like that will not be the case for a while. At least my principal and vice principal are really awesome.....

In the meantime, i am hoping that I will not be consumed with my profession every waking moment of my day. I really do want to keep calm through my first year.....

Ok. So in one week, I will be in FL and all of my belongings will be in the apartment. I can't wait. I feel so bad for scaring random strangers half to death while crying myself nearly sick in the parking lot. Again...another huge outburst from my dad. My mom is not talking much to me either. My dad totally flipped out. Its not my fault that the circuit belt came lose. HE was the one who was fiddling around with my car and its engine last night. BUt he exploaded and kept barking at me nonstop. I stayed in the parking lot for a good 30 minutes, locked in the safety of my old car and cried. Hardest cry in over a year. I'm emotionally shot. After I drop off my parents at the airport, I am getting healthy ice cream and renting a movie with my blockbuster gift card. I am realizing that its going to take a long time for my heart to heal. PLEASE.....if I date someone who is like my dad (I refuse to let that happen...but just in case)...whack me up the side of the head a good few times. Thank you.

PS: Sorry for being so down right now. I should be posting cheery entries. I just can't keep it bottled up, so I am writing it. Next week will be the cheery letters.

I am almost in FL,,,,,I am almost in FL......I am almost in FL.....

Sadly, I am discovering that I will be emotionally seperating myself from my parents and putting up a wall from them pretty much. I don't think that I can trust them at this point. Especially with money. Now, granted....it takes a lot to get me mad. But I am almost to that point. I went to college to make a better life for myself. Yes, I did have to take out loans to do so. When I turned 20, my dad did buy my next door neighbor's car for 1000 and gave it to me as a gift (they were more concerned with my walking insane amounts just to get from place to place...this way, i'd be driving the 15 miles one way and back instead of walking them). I have put in well more than a thousand dollars in repairs. I am the one who is selling the car (and yes, it has been sold for $900 (happy dance...that will pay my bills!). And now my dad is saying that the money is going to him. When he gave it to me as a gift. And then the whole "After all I have done for you..." speech. Somehow, my parents think that with a college degree, I am instantly well off. Ha. I am $70,000 in debt and have to come up with the money for bills and starting up my classroom. That and food money as well. Now the fight to keep the $900 for myself begins.....

Yes, I know...the money should be mine (and it is much needed since I am already paying off loans)....but then again...these are the parents that also sugar coated a situation, made me sign on the line (making me think that it was for something else...what can I say..I was only 14) in order to get a $2000 check from the gov after a huge major law suit on one of the meds (apparently, research has found that it causes severe health problems that can be life threatening...so it has been taken off the market) I was on at the time when I was 80 pounds and at my most depressed state ever. It was my health in jeopardy, so I should have been entitled to some of it (if not all).

My last week as a NY resident is not as happy as I expected...but that is ok. Florida will be a great place for me (I am going to remain positive about this..even though my family generally is not).

Fredonia was once my home. Now I am beyond the college stage. EA will never be my home. Now its time to plant my roots somewhere where I feel safe, happy, and secure.

On a happy note....

I am amused with the fact the the government things I am up for retirement and eligable for retirement funds. AARP sent me my membership card and pretty much said welcome aboard and that I am entitled to all the benefits:)

Ok.....

For most of you who know me really well...you all know I tend to bottle things up and deal with it. well, the bottle is overflowing....so I am going to vent my frustrations for a bit....so if you don't want to hear it, skip this section.....

1. My 1997 Chrysler Concorde. I was going to sell it to someone, but then they wanted me to make the repair and then they would buy it off of me. The car is completely driveable. And it passed NYS auto inspection. I thought that it would be cheap. But you know how mechanics are..they cost an arm and a leg. If I had all the skills, it would have cost so cheap, but when I shopped around, the cheapest estimate was several hundred (they LOVE to rip u off). So after talking to my parents (my dad and I don't get along too well...but he is a mechanic (everything but cars)..and I respect his opinion), friends, and even the mechanic that I take my car to. They all said to sell it how it is because someone will buy it who can fix it up. I mean, it runds GREAT, and the transmission is 1 year old, the timer belt just replaced, etc. If i got it repaired and sold it to the person, i'd only get a net gain of maybe $100. I am a teacher...moving to FL. I can't afford this. Plus, teachers don't work summers...and who is going to hire me for 2 weeks? So I told the person that I am sorry, but after talking it over with people that I trust in regards of their opinions and knowledge, to sell it how it is. I am sure that he hates my guts right now. And probably will for a long time. But hey..I am trying to not have to eat cereal for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the first month in FL. And besides, after getting an appraisal...its work 1200 because of all the new parts etc. I am sure that he thinks that its all my fault. According to friends and family, I am being taken advantage of...that and being manipulated. So forget it. They can be upset...but I am trying to not feel bad about the situation. I have to sell it for what I can get so that I can eat a decent meal before I am put on payroll. Plus...even if someone bought the car and just sold it for parts....they could easily get a great deal since everything major is brand new. And on top of that, when everyone found out how much he was only willing to pay for it, they were shocked. I did nothing wrong. In fact, I was willing to be flexible.

2. Living at home is KILLING me. Ever since I got home, I've been trying to stay sane. My mom figures that she can control every aspect of my life right now...watch my neice while her mother is out partying (when I am trying to solve things to make my move to FL as smooth as possible). Every day I have to stand my ground. Because of that, my mom thinks I am arguing with her. IE> Today she asked why I got a check for $500. I told her its for the registering of my new 2003 car. I told her that I told her this yesterday. She blew up at me, said I was arguing, and stormed out the house. I know that she is my mom..and that she is worried about the move. But come on....it is not helping when she is showing me all the negatives, causing me to be less optimistic about my move. I need to hear positive statements of this. Instead of...how are you going to do this..this...and this...u are this much in debt. It was not my fault that I decided that I wanted a higher education and teach to make a difference in my students lives. So I have been doing a lot of running each day to cope. I am averaging 70 miles a week. Plus its helping my eating disorder since its creeping back now that I am home. Well, only a bit longer. In less than 2 weeks, my parents will be back in NY, and I will be in FL....going to the beach.

I just need a lot of prayers that I can survive the next 2 weeks. Each day is turning into such a struggle to smile. All I am getting right now is criticism (even on weight) (surprisingly, not from my dad this time) and its taking a toll on me.

Thursday night I am wearing the black dress and after open mic night going out for a drink. If anyone cars to join, please let me know. Its my last hurrah in NY...until I come back for visits

Ok, so it is Sunday around 4:30 pm, and I definitly have not worked on my masters thesis at all. I should be freaking out, but I am thinking, "the heck with it." I can't be a college student anymore. If I had to go through another semester, I'd cry. Anyhoo, here is how my interview for Vegas went......

It was at 9 am. When I entered the room and got to business, the recruiter noticed that I am from Fredonia. That was a great foot in the door because he graduated from Fredonia as well. So for 10 minutes straight, him and I talked about all the fun, scary, stupid, interesting things and so on. After the interview, he said that I am pretty much in the system. The next step is for my info to go through the system, then in 3 months or so principals will start calling, asking if I want to teach in their school. Whats great is that I will get to retire at 54 with full pension. Each year after that, I will get 90% of my annual sallary the year I retire. So, there will be a 90% chance that I will be out in Las Vegas next year..eps since they are looking for NY tachers. That and they need 3,000 teachers.

I have come to the conclusion that Fredonia does not like me at all. Maybe, it used to. Every semester I have to go through battles with financial aid and student accounts about my class standing and aid. That and other things as well. Its great really. I am the first one in my family to go off to college in order to make a better life for myself. I've endured many obstacles and hurdles both in college and my personal life. It can be a lonely journey at times. Since I only have 2 classes before graduating in May, the college decided to send back 2/3 of my financial aid for the semester....leaving me with a bill of $1500. So I will have to come up with that money, the money for my rent for the semester, utility bills, food money, and so on. The money I earn from subbing I need to put into savings to help pay the interest from undergrad loans. That and for moving expences (once I get hired). Looks like I will be eating cereal for a long time. So, I am meeting with one of the advisers in the aid department on Monday to discuss my options (if there are any at this point). I really can't take all of the hurdles from the college anymore. I'll get through this....I always seem to find a way to do so...

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I think that this is the first time that I had the guts to argue not only with my mom over something I believe,but my dad as well. Long story short....
Grandpa gave me his mandolin before he died. He told me never to sell it, and to learn how to play since I have his inherited ear for music. And I am doing so. But, the mandolin is worth a pretty penny, and my mom's side of the family is catching on. Uncle Mike has my grandpa's will and looked over it and realized that the mandolin was left for Uncle Chris. He can't claim it because Grandpa physically gave it to me before he died, and there were witnesses. But, Uncle Mike looked into the model, year, etc and realized its worth a pretty penny. Now, he has told everyone else in the family, and they are all panicking that I have it and that I should have it insured, sold, so that they can divide up the money among the four of them, etc. I don't think so. But every day now I get calls from my mom daily stating what they are saying, and am always being harassed about it. And things are also getting interesting because apparently the family that my grandpa bought the mandolin from (Syracuse region's wealthiest family) have been trying to hunt it down because they realized that it is of great monetary value. So I had an intense debate with my parents earlier to the point of tears from frustration...and then took a good long power walk to burn it off. Knowing that the drama will still be there when I get home for Christmas, I have a feeling that I will be back here in Fredonia sooner just for my own health and sanity. IT SHOULD BE SIMPLE. GRANDPA GAVE ME THE MANDOLIN. HE WANTS ME TO PLAY IT. THEREFORE, IT IS MINE, AND I SHALL PLAY IT...NOT KEEP IT LOCKED UP IN A stupid (being nice here) government vault.

And.....

The person I have a crush on can no longer amount to anything since he is now in a relationship. I had a hunch this past month this will happen. Now, I just need to find someone who is meant to me (and try to ignore the constant nagging and joking frommy family who tells me that I will never get married at the rate I;m going)

Here's hoping that something happy will come my way...

È praticamente metà dicembre, ed appendo là dentro. Dovrò ammettere lo, il mio S. UN. D. contribuisce l'ingranaggio pieno, e grazie a uno delle mie classi, ho raggiunto il punto dove non mi preoccupo appena di esso più. Questo è ovviamente un segno che ho bisogno di una vacanza. Alcuni giorni sono migliori di gli altri. Venerdì partirò per il fine settimana. Giovedì sera, comunque, vado alla sbarra e bevo qualcosa o due. C'è molto ho bisogno di scrivere, ma posso non attualmente. Dovrò fare ciò dopo...

Well, it is hard to believe that it is already the end of October. The semester is going by way too fast. Earlier, I saw a good friend and they said that later on they were going to get ice cream and wanted to know if I wanted to go. I can't because of bell choir rehersal. But it made me think of all the foods that I miss, and how I wish I could just bring myself to eat them:

peanut butter hot fudge sundae
nice piece of lasagna with lots of cheese
ooey gooey pizza
french fries
cheeseburgers
creme filled doughnuts with the chocolate frosting on top
cheesecake
and many more.....

I've noticed that I am not my normal self lately. I think that this is the year with the worst case of S.A.D. I have ever had. That and the feeling of God being so far away is starting to wrench at my heart.

So often people ask how I am doing and I automatically smile and say I am fine. Luckily, for those who know me too well, they make me talk. People often tell me that I am such a strong person with an immensely strong core. But right now i am taking a huge blow, and I am not sure what to do. That and part of me is feeling God nudge me in another direction...away from teaching. I think that is what is eating at me most.

I would write more, but its time to go to class. i'll continue this post later in the evening...

So its the weekend, and I am full of many things to ponder about. I am feeling much better after tuesday night. I have been thinking about things way too much recently. Perhaps, one of my biggest fears is to screw up in life...then i'd be kicking myself in the shins forever.

Sometimes, I feel like I want to fly...to take some big chances and see where I end from there. The only thing that is holding me back is the fact that I have worked so hard over the years to gain stability to some degree at least. I think that I will feel better once I am out of Grad school and know that I have a full time teaching job all in tact. In the mean time, I will have to keep my worrying to a minimum since my mom's cancer was caused by worrying and stress, and I don't want to have that same fate.

On another note, I am glad that I will be up in Buffalo tomorrow. Should be a lot of fun. I will be sure to take several pictures.

Take care everyone....

Ok...

Its been a while since I have made a post. I really should do this more often! Summer is going alright...today I got heat exhaustion...oh joy. At least I am no longer dizzy, weak, and light headed. I am still walking way too much. It aggrevates me because I should not be walking this much now that I am living in Fredonia. But I am. And so I have to now figure out why...hm....I have several theories, which are: just like everyone is addicted to something, it is walking for me, because I am still trying to do something that is right, it has been such a ritual for the past 10 yrs that I am so used to it, or because I am so uncertain of my future and I need something stable.

This week has been so hot that its not even funny. Last night, I only got 1 hour of sleep. My mom is an angel. She brought down the air conditioning unit for me today. Apparently she was very concerned with what I have told her about how I have been feeling lately in the heat. I think that I have heat exhaustion. I have all the symptoms. I could hardly even eat anything today. Not because of the normal stuff, but because of the nautious stomach and dizziness. Within the past 2 days, it appears that I have lost 1-2 pounds from the heat. I just have not been able to stomach much recently. Don't worry...I'll be fine.

Well, since I am exhausted, I am off to bed. Good night everyone:)

Earlier today Darren and I were talking by the lake. Somehow, we ended up talking about whether or not we are afraid of death. I admitted that I am. I am terrified about it, and I am not sure why. Well, maybe I have a good clue. I would miss the ones I am really close with a lot. How much they have helped me, they will never comprehend. Same goes for how much they mean to me. I mean, in my "darkest hours" I was asked what is keeping me alive and going, and I told the doctors it was the friends that I would meet in college. Another reason why I am scared of death I guess is that I am afraid that I will not be able to live my hopes and dreams. In some cases, I am still trying to figure out what those are. I will soon enough I'm sure.

Friday night I went to Sunset Bay with Darren, Sharon, Phil, and Annie (Sharon's friend) to go boating and then have a cook out. Just riding the speed boat on the lake with the sun setting brought me back to the days along the Pacific coastline. Ah, such wonderful memories. I will have to go back out there one of these days.

Sometimes, I am scared about uncertainty.....for instance...where will I be after graduate school. I know that it will be out of ny and somewhere warmer. What I worry about is me adjusting in a new environment on my own. Most likely, I will want to do things that bring me comfort such as walking tons.

My mom will be in town for the weekend. I am excited and nervous, but things should work out good....

Its 5:50 am and I should be getting ready to work, but I'm not. Oh well:) I was going to write about a particular something, but I decided not to as of yet. Most likely, I will do so later. What is creepy is that right now, there is a huge black pick up truck sitting a good 10 feet away from my apartment. He got there around 10 pm last night and has not budged since. The guy is still up, and many times have I caught him glancing through my window. Guess who will be making a mad dash out of here and on to Main St??? ME:) I might actually be skipping the gym today and just coming home to sleep. I'm a little edgy just thinking about it...but what is one day without the gym? Off to work I go...

Soooo.....

I started work as a maintenance gal on campus for the summer. Yes, I get to lug around heavy furniture....yes, I get to use sharp razors that can do serious damage. Many people are not thrilled that I am working this job since they claim its too dangerous. I'll be fine...it will just be a huge work out..which means weight loss. Oh, but the things that I find in some of the rooms (right now I am in Nixon...aw...I got to clean out my old room, chris' and Annie's as well). I think that what i found today will take the cake...for now at least...I mean, I have seen advertisements on tv for fake silicon breast implants....but to actually find one today in one of the drawers....oh dear....

Tomorrow I will be moving into the apartment!!!!!! :)

So today, I am officially 23 (at 8:36 am). I have mixed feelings about this year. Part of me is saying that I am getting old because things that were popular back in the 80s that I had are now popular again. Anothe rpart of me is saying: Eh, its just another day. Another part of me is saying that this past year was good, but not really eventful. And that this year is really going to be interesting because of the future changes (not sure what yet, but I have the feeling, and even Greg and Mike predicted it). So this year is going to be very meaningful, full of growth, positive change, etc. The other part of me is saying that I am so ready to kick back, relax, take it easy, and for once, eat good food. Ah, it will be fun tonight at my Husband's (I am Darren's wife #4) place:):)Mmm...marinated chicken....salad....and a few good drinks.

More later (tomorrow most likely) on how my birthdayt is going/went.

Take care everyone:):)

Alright, just 2 more weeks of classes, and then finals...and then I am done with the semester. I am panicking a bit because I still have a huge amount of work left to complete:

Literacy:

15 pg paper
Group Project
Forget the readings...I'll look at them if I need to in the future
3 essays
6 discussion postings

Assessment in the Schools:

NYS Test Profile Script and presentation
Proposed Project
Studying for the Final
Final

Math Activities:

Math project Binder
Several Math projects
Math Final

EDU 660-Action Research:

Power Point Presentation on Collection Data Strategy used to answer one of my three proposed questions for my action research study on integrating trade books into the middle school social studies curriculum proposal
Editing all of the sections of the proposal
Turning the proposal in

Next year's courses that I will be taking are much easier with less work (according to the professors).

I should be panicking about all of this, but for some strange reason, I am relatively calm. It could be beacuse I am used to this amount of work.

But when I am done with all of this...and once I am moved into the apartment (hopefully the landlord will find my money), I am taking a few days to retreat a bit and get the academic stress out of my system.

In other news...Easter was great...I got an Easter basket! God has been distant for a while, but I have this odd feeling that something big is going to happen this summer. Who knows what it might be, but according to this person I know who can tell me anything about my life without me even telling him anything, its going to be big.

Take care everyone.....

Happy Easter to everyone:):)

Things have been alright for the most part. Just rotely finishing assignment after assignment until the end of the semester. Next semester will be an easy one with the classes that I'm going to take. I realized that I am going to have to get new sneakers for the summer. I was going to wait until the fall, but the ones I have now are really falling apart till the point where I need duct tape, and they have endured a good 7,000 miles or so. I'll have to see what I can do. I am enjoying not working on any hw on Good Fri, Holy Saturday, and Easter Sunday. I'll be working on a lot of it tomorrow though. Its fine. It'll alow me a more breathable week. What I have learned: Never take all scientific/mathematical/research courses in one semester. If you do, you are bound for endless hours of hw. I'm beginning to get a little scared about next year, and then the real world. I know that I will find a job somewhere in the world....I just always like having a safety net. Eh, i'm a tough cookie...I'll survive.

Today being Easter, I am off to St. Joe's to sing in the choir and play the bells. It will be fun. I am worried about eating (of course) over at the Newman Center. Sure, I am going to allow myself to "splurge" for once, but there will always be that part of me that gets a little stressed out about it and paranoid, feeling as if I need to negate everything. I've been working on it on a daily basis and praying about it. I'll see whatever happens. Worse case scenerio, I will go for a long walk tomorrow. But I am looking forward to going to the Newman Center. All day yesterday Karen kept on singing the bunny song (from veggie tales) to me, getting it ingrained in my head. I'll have to tune it out during Mass at least.

I'm looking forward to next weekend. I'll be making a trip out to Brocton for a bit.

Pretty soon I'll be another year older. I am kind of keeping it hush hush, I'll be baking some....but not my own birthday cake.

Alright...time to get ready to go to St. Joe's, and then the NC for the rest of the day. Have a blessed Easter:)

So its Spring Break....I have been able to relax a little. On Friday I went to the spa for my massage and contour wrap (it was a gift certificate I got)...there I ran into my literacy professor...it was weird seeing her there, but it was such a great experience. On saturday morning, I got sick again and was very dizzy. After that passed, I taught religion, and went home to EA for the rest of the day. On Sunday morning I got to visit my favorite priest in the diocese. He remembered the letter that I sent him! Just seeing me he remembered and asked how I was doing and if there was anything that he could do. He ended up taking my into the rectory, made me lunch, and we ended up talking for a good 3 hours. At least I feel better about the situation afterwards. Today I have been taking it easy and only did about 3 hours of homework. I knew this was going to happen. Being on the go nonstop all semester and then all of a sudden crashing because of the temporary relaxed schedule, i have fallen into a slump. Its getting harder to eat, but I am still doing it. Sometimes I wonder if there is something seriously wrong with me. Other times I wish that God would finally answer my prayers and relieve me from this struggle. Anyways, I must try to eat something before choir practice....roast beef sandwich, here I come....

Alright...it is now officially Spring Break...well, after 3 hours of work. I'll post an entry later tonight...but last night it was kind of scary. I thought that I could control my body and live through 18-19 hour days with 6 hrs of sleep and lots of hw. And if you know me well, I'm stubborn and love the term "i'm fine." Well, Greg was right....somestimes God will get to the point where he says" Fine...if you are not going to cooperate, then I will just do it myself." So last night I was going to go to the 7LW rehersal./ That didi not happen. As of 8:45 pm, within 2 minutes, I began to shake (and could not stop), my blood felt like it was curdling, I was dizzy, and my eyes were watering for no apparent reason. I literally had to talk myself through leaving the comp lab and get back to my room and crawl into bed. Needless to say, it was the first night where I got a decent amount of rest.....9.5 hours. This never happened before. Anyway, off to work, then who knows what. Take care:)